Noah's Ark 2012
Noah had lived in the United States in the year 2012 the story might have
gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to
make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is
destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind
of every living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an
Ark.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an
fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard
in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that
Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted.
"Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best,
but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not
meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed
a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.”
“Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance
from the city planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood
for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted
Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the
wood to save the owls. However,
the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the two owls. The carpenters
formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the
National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.
Now, I have sixteen carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.”
I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.”
the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I
sent them a globe. Right now, I
am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission that I am practicing discrimination by
taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I
just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and
failed to register the Ark as a “recreational water craft.”
finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a
religious event, and, therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or
Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun
began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arced across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You
mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," He said. "I don't have to. The government
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